The day that I woke up to the truth about parenting my teen started out like all the rest. Yelling, screaming, arguing, disappointment, frustration. Sound familiar?

My oldest daughter was 15 and caught in another lie about where she had been the night before. We had discovered that she had gone to a party that we had expressly told her not to attend. At that point in parenting, I was so tired of the constant pressure to be vigilant, the fear, the distrust, the lies. In frustration I yelled “Kathryn, why does it always have to be so hard with you?” And my headstrong, independent, slippery Kate looked at me with a smirk on her face and said “It wouldn’t be so hard if you didn’t care so much.” Out of the mouth of babes….

She could have been telling me to back off, that I was in her business too much, that I was trying to control her. Or she could have been giving me a backhanded compliment for the constant concern and focus I had about her well being, her safety, her life- present and future.

I chose to believe the latter.  I chose to believe that it was still my job to set boundaries  for my teen.  I chose to believe that at fifteen, my daughter was not old enough to be free to come and go as she pleased.  I chose to believe that honesty and trustworthiness in my daughter’s character were qualities worth fighting for.  I chose to believe that our values and our decisions should and would be taken seriously and respected!  No matter how much screaming and yelling and trouble ensued!  I was strong enough to withstand her push to back me off.  I was strong enough to stand my ground and insist on my reasonable rules be followed and respected.  I knew what was best and it was my job to see that Kate understood that I was still the boss-like it or not!  I decided right then and there that all the frustration and exhaustion, vigilance and fighting were worth it. I was never giving up on being the best parent I could be.  Failure was not an option!  Even if it killed me! And it almost did!

When someone asks me; what is it that you do? My answer: that I facilitate that parents and teens listen to each other without defending, speak without offending, sit face to face-knee to knee, and  let the walls of resentment and mistrust breakaway so that each can start enjoying the other.  I try to convince parents not to personalize certain attitudes that are common for certain ages. I explain the importance of reflective listening and how the more we listen in this manner the more the teen will talk. I encourage self reflection and auto inventory of what each is capable of committing to in order to bring change.

A strong factor that aids in inspiring teens to change is experiencing their parent/s willingness to commit to change. Parents and teens must reflect after each incident and take inventory of ways that each can change the non productive communication patterns into loving and positive. We are teaching and modeling for our teens how we deal with hurt, disappointment and frustration that accompany almost all relationships at one level or the other.

Here are some of my favorite parenting quotes: can you relate? Share your favorite parenting quote or your comments.

If you have never been hated by your child you have never been a parent.  ~Bette Davis

Adolescence is perhaps nature’s way of preparing parents to welcome the empty nest.  ~Karen Savage and Patricia Adams, The Good Stepmother

The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.  ~Lane Olinghouse

There are two lasting bequests we can give our children.  One is roots.  The other is wings.  ~Hodding Carter, Jr.

If you want your children to improve, let them overhear the nice things you say about them to others.  ~Haim Ginott

Adolescence is a period of rapid changes.  Between the ages of 12 and 17, for example, a parent ages as much as 20 years.  ~Author Unknown

There is nothing wrong with today’s teenager that twenty years won’t cure.  ~Author Unknown
At fourteen you don’t need sickness or death for tragedy.  ~Jessamyn West

Whenever I held my newborn baby in my arms, I used to think that what I said and did to him could have an influence not only on him but on all whom he met, not only for a day or a month or a year, but for all eternity – a very challenging and exciting thought for a mother.  ~Rose Kennedy